and how to resolve another panic attack

Rambling post

2010-07-20T21:08:00.003+02:00

Well last year I started of with some good resolutions. I am not gonna get overworked again. I will say no. I will stand up for myself. etc etc.
It holds. For now.
I am tired. Work has been pretty hectic, since my collegue has gotten sick.
I am quite angry at my boss for not handling the entire situation like a boss.
He just ran away and left a big mess.
But i refuse to make it my problem. So I am not stressed. That's a winner. I am just tired and angry :) It feels like I am to become very good at juggling.
I have thought about so many things I wanted to post here. But it seems I have forgotten most of them. Oh I remember. Friday I heard the first case of GHB (the stuff they put in your drink to take advantage of you) in a little village near here. I always thought it was only in Amsterdam. And a couple days before a guy told me his roommate had reset his personality by means of a drug cocktail. as a side effect, he now has got no opinion about things anymore. That was interesting.
Well so far for a rambling post.

No stress

2009-10-16T10:03:00.003+02:00

I got a job.
A good one.
Which pays a decent amount of money, on regular times.
And they have all kinds of special things for employees: gardening, free sports, an enormous amount of holiday, courses you can attend, money to get your bike fixed.
This time, they even have a pension fund :)
And it is only about 15 minutes cycling from my house.
I can ride along every morning with my boyfriend. And every evening back together again.
And my co workers are really nice. And it seems the work is going to be pretty interesting. With all kinds of intelligent people.
And the committee was unanimous in their decision for me. Out of 30 applicants, they all wanted me.....

Yesterday we went out to the best restaurant we could think of to celebrate.
They even had a service to bring you home in your own car.
From now on we are going to try and eat mostly biological.
And I guess the first thing I did was order a pair of shoes on the internet.

I feel so completely relieved. I can finally let go of all the stress about not being able to pay the bills in December.
I can let go of the being on a tight budget. I can go and look for another house in a decent neighborhood. We can actually go on a holiday.

We can make plans again. My life is no longer on hold.

Routines

2009-10-07T11:31:00.003+02:00

When searching for jobs, you develop routines. When they haven't called back when they said they would, the most likely scenario is, you're not the candidate of choice.
When you apply for a job where they ask for somebody experienced, most of the time it means they are not. When they are surprised I start talking about a strategic plan, you know clearly the other applicants haven't and most likely the interviewer has never thought about it either. In my world that's a red flag :)
But some organizations defy all the rules. No we haven't called you back. Because... well various reasons.... but still you made the cut.
I started today a little sad. It had taken them quite some time to get back to me. So I applied rule nr 1... They are writing a nice no thank you letter. So I called them.
And turned out.. they had another reason it was still in the pipelines... But i got through to the second round. At least I am the second best candidate for the job :)
At this moment I am just curious about my opponent...What did he or she bring to the table to make it this far?
Well at least I know they liked me and thought I was qualified for the job.
And for a change I am "the better candidate"... Celebrating now :)

Letters

2009-07-08T16:36:00.002+02:00

Well on the upside.

When I finally get a job, I will be so incredibly good at writing letters.
Have to write one at least once a week and it takes me about 2,5 days to finalize it and send it. But I think the letters are good.

And when I finally get a job I will be great at housekeeping.. that's for sure :)

interviewing

2009-06-29T15:02:00.002+02:00

God I had forgotten how much I hate job interviewing.
Once I have explained all the things in my life, I sound like a pathetic loser.
In stead of an ambitious woman.
And what clothes to wear. Most of the time I have a proper outfit ready, but now... it's burning hot outside. If I will go by bike, I will be really sweaty and dirty when I arrive. If I wear a jacket, I will be hot when inside.
And this was only for an agency, not even for a real job.
They did tell me there were a lot less jobs and many more people searching for a job however. And job openings are really scarce during summer.
So my hopes are up....At least I haven't been rejected yet.

Job search

2009-06-12T12:59:00.003+02:00

Today I went to a job centre. Not to find a job. Actually I had to go there to get an appointment to get my unemployment benefits. It is one of the requirements to get the benefits and they think they will get you a job. I do not think they are going to get me a job.
I want to do projectmanagement, but the description of projectmanagement I saw there was:
making your own coffee, keeping your office tidy, placing phone calls and more things associated with an officemanager's job. So no I do not think they are going to find me a job.
Luckily I ran into

this picture.
I think it might be true :)

starting again

2009-06-02T14:58:00.002+02:00

I am going to start flylady again.
It has been my house cleaning and life organising helper for I think 3 years.
It has worked perfectly fine until I met my boyfriend.
All my schedules down the drain, no structure, at least not one where I can spend 15 minutes a day and everything is done.
So i am going to build a new control journal, build my routines and probably in about six months, things will be back in place.
www.flylady.com

because you can make new years resolutions in june :)

Mental health

2009-05-19T14:49:00.004+02:00

I read my last post and saw the "maybe in a couple of weeks I will tell you this is a job from hell" sentence.
I have been home, a little overworked, now for three months, and from next months on I will have to go and find a job again. It's alright.
Yesterday I heard my old company was going bankrupt, and I read some work related stuff and I realized I was so extremely happy I wasn't there anymore, dealing with mismanagement.
I realized I am a fixer. I want things to work, and if they don't I will try to fix them.
But reading from a distance all the remarks, I noticed there were lots of things I could have fixed but not the general management culture.
If I would have worked any longer it would have only taken its toll on me.
So I guess me and this company were just a big mismatch. I learned a lot and I had a lot of fun.
But I can not wait for my eye to stop twitching and be finally completely healthy again.

new job

2009-01-14T20:42:00.002+01:00

I know you are not supposed to blog about work but today I realised I made a good choice by switching jobs. I looked around and I was actually happy I was there.
Maybe in a couple of weeks I will tell you this is a job from hell, cause reality has caught up with me and I will actually live the deadline being missed. But for now it is sheer fun.
Understaffed, deadlines completely unachievable, everything has the same priority, no suitable working environment, no history of project management of what so ever, definitely a history of bad software development. In short great fun.
Today I talked to the new guy. (I am the new girl for a week and a half, next week we'll probably get new guy 2 and 3) He told me he was used to a certain degree of chaos. He seemed confident he was. I talked to my co-worker and I told him the new guy was used to chaos.
We just looked at each other and there was nothing to be said. I think we laughed and said: Well... let's see :)

Do not get it

2008-11-16T20:44:00.002+01:00

I just do not get it. How much money I make. Actually it is not all that much. But I am still so surprised that at the end of the month, there is money left in the bank. That I can spend 100 euro's on beauty products and not have to feel guilty or eat cheaper the week after. That there is so much money left and within a week I will have my salary and there will be even more. What on earth do I need this much money for. I had to learn that bank accounts do not always have to end at 0.
It helps we both came from living on a budget for over 10 years. So we are both not really used to excessive spending. So we don't. And then there is money left.
At the new job they offered me even more money. I was really suprised like... well this is enough isn't it? And then the second talk the boss said, well let's make this deal. Now we will pay you this, but we will see again in June, and when you are doing oke, we will give you about 800 euro's more. A month..... cause we have to keep things in balance here.
I promised my boyfriend he could buy himself some new boobs.
I am still looking for ways to help others with this money. I think I am going to choose a project from www.kiva.org every month and donate the money to them.
Before I get used to having all the money and spend it all on shoes.

Ski's

2008-10-29T20:14:00.003+01:00

Yesterday we found a pair of ski's standing next to the trash. We took em.

We were riding home late at night, we had been drinking, I have to say that.
We rode our bikes through one of those really expensive neighbourhoods when I saw a pair of ski
's including the boots standing next to the trash. I told my boyfriend and he returned to check them out. He said they were fine and we agreed to take them home and give them to a second hand store. It is just such a waste to just throw them away.
We finally decided to put them on ebay for charity. I want to give the money to one of those organizations where they make sure children can have a holiday.

My boyfriend has just finished playing some shoot em up game. He has played for years and he and a group of people had decided to buy their own server. Now they've stopped he decided to sell the server on ebay and to give the money to the cancerfoundation.

I do have a lot of books that I do not read anymore, so I am going to sell them as well and give the money away. It is such a joy to have an income and be able to share that with people who are in need. We really do not need all those things and we do not need all that money either.
We do not spend a lot of money on things we do not need, we save money for things we really want. It is really nice to be financially independent and to have someone who shares your thoughts about giving.

Update

2008-10-25T21:48:00.002+02:00

Well I guess surfing must feel like this. All relaxed and riding the wave.
Holiday in Sicily was just great. It was like a honeymoon except we weren't married. It was great: we were like the best team ever. If you ever go to Sicily go to Antica Tindari. It is all you can wish for, and way better then you can do it yourself. We are definitely planning on going again in spring.
It is nice to have actually deserved a holiday and then be able to enjoy it. I'll upload some pictures later. If you want tips for the best places you can email me, because I think we have seen them all.
It still brings a smile to my face actually thinking about it.
And a couple of days ago I got an " offer I can't refuse" :) To go and talk to a guy who is setting up a business and they are searching for a project manager. And they said good things about me and now he wants to see me. I am thrilled. Thrilled people actually think about me when they are searching for people, and thrilled because it may imply a new job. And that would be cool.
So I am still in a very good place right now.

Happy

2008-09-06T22:14:00.002+02:00

I haven't been this happy in a long time. Everything is just working out great. My boyfriend is everything I could wish for. I can talk to him about anything, he gets me and we just support each other in everything we do. It is great to come home to the quiet and the tranquility and the love and support. Only four weeks till we go on holiday. I am counting the weeks. Work has been fine. I got through contract negotiations. They got me everything I asked for. It is still not the biggest challenge in the world, but I'll see. I am just very happy to be where I am right now.

Don't know

2008-07-03T21:33:00.002+02:00

And today was the break down. It was just too much.
Work has been hell lately. Way too much to do, having to take over for my coworker who is in pregnancy leave. Contract negotiations that were downright awful. Getting used to a new life. I can do a lot but I can not do everything. So this morning I decided not to take a look at my to do list. Just do whatever I felt I wanted to do. I went to the store to get cookies for the office. Drank coffee and just did some small finance stuff. I just couldn't deal with the stress any more.
I do not know what I am going to do tomorrow. I hate that I almost fell asleep at the dinner table this evening. I am just not functioning anymore outside of my work. Too tired. Too worn out. I am not looking forward to seeing friends anymore, because I am too tired to listen to them.
I just don't know anymore.

Broke up

2008-05-24T15:08:00.002+02:00

Today I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for 3,5 years and I will miss him so much.
But I keep telling myself this is for the best. He agreed with me.. He said At least it is the best for now. Because we had reached an all time low. But he was such a sweet boy. And I have loved him dearly. And I will miss him so much.

Congratulations

2008-05-18T00:39:00.002+02:00

Whoho.. way to go Meike.
I just read on the internet my niece has won the national championship waterpolo.
I went there yesterday to check out the first game. It was really exciting to watch and great fun to see them win the first match. Today they had the second match (best of three) and they won again.
So.... Congratulations is in order I suppose!

Money

2008-05-15T23:27:00.002+02:00

Today I have paid the last term of the money I owned the government for my college loan.
So now I am officially debt free... Whoho
On to find a way to fill the hole in my hand.
(I am partially living from my savings account.. this doesn't mean I don't earn enough... it means I spend too much)

I feel like a woman... doh

2008-05-04T22:36:00.002+02:00

Well i feel like a woman... maybe a stupid one... but definitely feminine.. of the irrational kind....
Friday I went to see a doctor. I had a belly pain for about 2 weeks.. just a little bit.. but then it got worse. Not like getting your period or had too much to eat.. just a weird feeling. I thought.. well... bladder infection or something very stupid and very feminine.
Turned out, no infection, maybe cysts on my ovaries... So a scan in 4 weeks.... and I was upset because I did not want to walk around with 4 weeks of belly pain... so yesterday when the pain got worse... I decided to buy myself an ipod... to sooth myself... and man did it work....
it felt better already... (not really but i got an ipod... and I truly love those things :))
But then today I got my period... It feels like a week early.. but if my body is confused.. it could be....
hehe and then i realised ... i got myself an ipod for feminine cramps :)....
wow.... something in me says I should do that more often.... get myself a really expensive thing everytime I get my period... It would definitely help :)....
woman......

Light

2008-04-30T21:19:00.002+02:00

Although lately life hasn't been easy, it doesn't mean it will never be good again.
This morning I saw the sun coming up. It was beautiful. It felt like a good new day. I was talking to a friend, who is an incredible optimist. I told him, it doesn't matter how bad it is right now, I am very confident life is going to be great again. He started laughing and told me his grandmother had a local saying about it doesn't matter how dark it is, it will be always be light again.
He told me I was an ever bigger optimist then him. I had never looked at it that way.. but somehow it felt good. Although I can be cynical at times, it is nice to know i am an optimist at heart.

She is dead

2008-04-23T19:56:00.002+02:00

I have just written a speech for my best friend in highschool. She has finally killed herself and I will be speaking at her funeral on Friday. I hate it, they gave me a minute and a half to say goodbye to her, while she was so talented and broad and there is so much to say about her.
I hate it that my words seem so flat and there is no room for jokes. I hate it that the words do not seem to honor the memories. Fuckin hell. I hate the fact that she is dead.
We have said all there was to it, before she killed herself. But I hate it, I can not tell her how I saw her family in the store the other day. I can not tell her how on sunday I stayed in bed until I got the conformation she had succeeded in killing herself. I can not tell her how silent it was... I can not tell her how much support I have had from friends the day she killed herself. And she can not tell me, whether the helium was painless. How good her last supper was. How proud she was she had finally succeeded. Because I think she will be proud. I hate the fact I went to work today because they said I was needed. And same goes for tomorrow. I hate it, my boss seems to think his not making his deadlines, is a reason to become frustrated... Well I will tell you... it isn't. Stop acting like a child. I have bought a cute black dress for her funeral. We sent text messages on the day she died, me telling her I was buying a purse for her funeral... and I felt stupid and feminine and definitely not like me.. her asking whether she could get high heels and cleavage as well... me saying no.... she saying something about respecting ones last wishes... me saying no again.... and don't push it...
And now I have high heels, cleavage and a black dress... Since I knew she would have laughed at the fact I would dress up for her funeral. Laughed really hard... in my face...
But she will not do that anymore.... because she is dead....
Monday while I went shopping for funeral clothes. I really wished my mom was there to support me... but she wasn't... because she is dead as well.
And me blogging about this, is a complete understatement of how I feel...

Am I boring now?

2008-03-13T23:07:00.002+01:00

Well actually it takes me a lot of patience to get used to actually having a job.
I can handle the getting up at 7.30 am or the 20 minutes later when I decide to snooze.
I can handle the getting to work with all the other people (actually I meet a lot of old friends coming back from work cycling across the campus)
But I can't handle the... I am having a great evening, finally some me time... finally being all by myself (don't you start the song now :)) and tomorrow it's 7.30 again.
I have a hard time getting used to the freedom of the evening and the obligatory schedule of the day. I feel trapped. I know rationally that this is the way things are about to happen. One should have a job...(something about sharing the burden of having a job I guess) otherwise you're not suited for society. On the other hand I feel i am not suited for my friends anymore, who do not have jobs.
As I guess I started... it takes me a lot of patience.....
A lot of patience....

Job

2008-03-13T22:45:00.003+01:00

I can has Job.....
that was the title of another blogpost I read today.
But it was exactly how I felt. I can has job. At first I was stunned that someone in this whole wide world would offer me a job. Some people who would actually think I was qualified for actually doing something. (as a fellow philosophy student today told me: that it what our study does to us... first it takes your self esteem and then it takes your job opportunities)
But hell... some people thought I was qualified. Today I know I am qualified. Probably over qualified... I started to get bored....
But maybe I am just a spoiled brat... All my life I have been doing thing I liked. That was my philosophy: just do the things you like. But as it turns out... working is sometimes doing things you do not like... bummer... tomorrow might be better... might not be....suck it up...
So i guess as they had told me I can do anything I like in my job. I just have to figure out what I want... (if you want to put your fingers on my weak points.... there you have it)
So monday I am going to talk about my job :) That will do...
( for some evil reason it made my day my linkedin network was bigger then our account manager's.. does this make me evil? :))
All right and what officially made my day was that I saw 4 deers running and hopping away while I was on my way to work. So work has got it's strongpoints.

Job

2008-02-12T20:37:00.000+01:00

Whoho!

I have got a job. Like a real job. With real money.
With real 40 hour working a week, work.
And somehow.
After my job interview today where they did all kinds of trouble to show me how cool they where. In stead of me showing how cool I was. I felt like I was accepted to the sand box.
The building where I will work in 7 (!!!) days.... It felt like one big sand box where all the kids are just playing. That feels like somewhere I could really enjoy myself working.
And the part where person nr 1 said after me talking for 5 minutes: you're hired.. and then person nr 2 walked in and after me uttering 1 sentence, he said: you're hired. And then the 3rd person walked in and they were both: this is our new employee.
I think I will enjoy myself in the sandbox.

For now I am going to celebrate.
Whoho

My brother

2008-02-12T00:10:00.000+01:00

Well I just wanted to post this picture for my brother and everybody with a brother.

Especially after dining with him the other day and he enjoyed many ways of putting chocolate pudding in and mostly out of your mouth. He's a dear :)

Slip and Slide

2008-01-17T14:58:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I took a course in car handling. Slipping on a wet surface, emergency breaking and trying not to hit a water wall. I had so much fun especially with the slipping. You drive your car about 20 mph over some kind of device and it pushes against the back of your car. Because of the wet surface the car enter a slip and you have to correct it while driving. I handled it quite well 3 out of 4 times but one times we had the car turning in circles. Which was great fun as well :)
I was very very nervous before I had to go, but everything turned out great. I would do it again any minute. I learned a lot from it and man.. can I handle some car now :)
Oh and emergency breaking with 50 mph is quite ehm it takes sooo much force to stop the car in soo many meters. I will probably try when entering a road jam to avoid breaking and just avoid the cars in front of me.... it felt empowering... that's the word :)

Books

2008-01-10T20:32:00.000+01:00

Well have you ever collected all the books from the living room to put them away on the shelves. And you had to put them on top of the top shelf. And there were still books left in your living room, and bed room. And there was no space left... and it feels like they are going to take over..
But somehow you like it...cause you love every one of those damn books.
Just need a new system :)

Photoblog

2008-01-05T20:16:00.000+01:00

I have made myself a new photoblog since I have got a new camera.
You can find it here:

jorientje.wordpress.com

part photoblog, part me messing around with wordpress.

Picture

2008-01-04T00:16:00.000+01:00

And today I got new years eve picture:

Happy new Year

2008-01-02T02:51:00.001+01:00

Happy new Year y'all...
Hope you had a nice night and a great party. I was home about 9.30 am.
I had helped setting up the party in my local bar with a couple of friends. I really had so much fun doing so. At one point we made a crime scene picture on the ground. I lay down with my knees twisted and one of the guys from the bar taped all around me. It was really nice because we made it on the floor of the see through walking bridge that ran over our heads in the main dancing hall.
So in day light it was really hard to see but when the party started once looking up you could see it.
I had skipped the party till about 2 am but when I entered the guy came up to me and said: oh people love it :)
I ran into a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. That was great fun as well. The weirdest one being my old neighbour kid. He always had a big head full of curls and now he was bold. We did not recognize each other for the first couple of minutes but then it was great to talk to him again.
I slept through the day and then woke up for dinner. Then slept some more.
Now I have to rise again in about 3 hours to go to work.... and i am wide awake....
But happy new year!

To do

2007-12-02T22:50:00.000+01:00

Today I read a very good question in my newspaper.
What is your passion and how can you help it to make this world a better place.
I thought about it and it occured to me I had always thought about helping the world with the things it might need. It never occured to me that with passion and motivation and drive I could make this world a better place because I can tell about my passion.
I think I have got new inspiration for finding a job.

What do you get?

2007-11-15T01:10:00.001+01:00

What do you get when there is a freshly painted red fence around your house and the neighbour has a snow white cat?
We laughed our asses off.
And I still not sure my neighbour had noticed there are two rather red spots on the cat.
Since his cat has a pretty bad case of animal anthropomorphicus, (an animal as seen by human eyes) he attributes all kinds of human behavior, I am really looking forward to how he will call this one. We just called it plain stupid, or.. that is what you get from being a slut for hugs and attention.

Autumn

2007-11-13T02:17:00.000+01:00

Well autumn is everywhere. Not just outside but in my head as well. I am not depressed or anything just well ending a year. And it is tiresome, but very rewarding.
Ending a year sounds very poetic, but actually all I do is take long walk, cook harty meals and sit on my couch covered in a blanket. Finally being able to let the quality of life sink in without all the stress and the must-do's. I do not need to do anything. And boy it feels good.
As a downside I have merely not kept in touch with anybody. Lots of phonecalls not answered, lots of people not seen. But this feels like extended me-time. I feel warm and heavy all over. Just like when you were a kid and you were way past your bedtime.
This year in the week of my birthday the leaves did fall from the trees unlike last year. So everything is back to normal again :) It is just a regular very happy autumn.

Trash it!

2007-09-24T12:03:00.000+02:00

I am soooo looking forward to being able to take all my graduation stuff to the trash!
I have piles and piles of paper and books that need to be taken back to the library.
No more articles flying through my living room, from the desk, to the couch, to the table. My cleaning program tells me that all this clutter that is around, is clutter of the soul as well. Oh and it is so much more. It still reminds me of all the things I do not understand or do not know. In stead of that it reminds me of what I have reached.
I just want to get rid of the clutter, physically as well as mentally.
Mentally might take a little bit longer, but one has to start somewhere...
It feels like my birthday will come up. Only 2 more nights and I can begin trashing everything :)

Blessed

2007-09-21T00:24:00.000+02:00

I can't tell you how blessed I feel.
I think the best part about graduating is that you can invite all your friends and they are actually coming to your graduation. I feel blessed for all the trouble people go through to be there. One guy is working in Amsterdam for the entire week and he is coming back for me. Which is something we hardly ever do while working. I think it is very sweet. My best friend is coming from the Bahama's. He was already in the Netherlands, but it is sooo cool he can be there. My niece can actually attend, which she was happy about as well, since here practice has been taking a lot of time.
I am blessed my dad can be there. I think I am blessed that all so many of my friends and family can be there. It just reduces all the pain and tears graduating has cost me into merely nothing.

Uber-cool light weight nerd

2007-09-05T09:53:00.000+02:00

Hahaha on my 10 minutes before I get to work internetplaying time, I found this test.
But when they asked which one I would take, my book collection of my computer it was a hard one.. Ultimaltely they thought I was cool :) Nice

On the edge

2007-08-28T11:31:00.000+02:00

I am on the edge of just giving up, paying my fee for not graduating in time and just start all over.
I barely get a 6 out of 10 which is just enough to graduate, but I think my tutor really wants to give me less.
I just do not understand since when, are where in the entire proces or studying and graduating I dropped my level to 6/10 instead of my more usual 8/10.
When did I become stupid?

Barely good

2007-08-23T23:48:00.001+02:00

Well when your kidneys are failing and you're on dialysis that is hardly good news.
But when your liver isn't functioning and doctors are not sure it will ever function again.... It's like giving up and saying your goodbyes.
I guess I will just wait. I can hardly get my mind around it. The only relieve is that you have wanted this. Well more or less.. in a way... think you planned it differently... Still it is hard to grasp.

Mozart's requiem

2007-08-22T00:49:00.000+02:00

My best friend from highschool tried to kill herself and is in a coma in a hospital.
I can not stop thinking about her tiny frame in a hospital bed.
And I do not want to start thinking about what will happen next. She will never be normal, or at least who she was again. All the memories ran though my head today and yesterday. How we worked on school projects, how we joked about her depression, the music, the smurfs, the silly acts. She got me and I got here. Some people just aren't ment for this world and she was probably one of them. How she told me she was gay, and I reacted plain stupid. And how we laughed about it afterwards.
The ouzo, the wine, the legs, the musicals, dead, the cat, the crying, the medication, the despair. I will never forget. Mozart's requiem.
I will miss her so much, because although we did not have much contact anymore, when we had, it was like old times. It never changed. Last postcard I got from her, it said she was thinking a lot of me. Now I can not stop thinking about her.

Curves

2007-08-18T00:34:00.000+02:00

Hahaha this was great. I watched the Hayseed Dixies at a festival I am working at.
After playing Queen's fat bottomed girls in bluegrass, dixie style, the singer started: How many guys here have a girlfriend. Some hands were raised. And he asked, of all the guys with a girlfriend, how many of your girls have gained weight since you met them. A couple of guys still had their hands up. Well... better take a good look at her at your wedding day, when she is standing in that dress.... It just will not get better then that. So.. now... how many girls out there have a boyfriend. So I raised my hand. And how many of those boyfriend have put on some pounds since you've started the relationship. Since my sweetie was no where to be seen, I still had my hand up in the air.. (sorry sweetie, if you were here you would have done the same ;))
So.... And there were about ten girls in the audience who still had their hands up....
In this entire audience there are only 10 girls who can cook a proper meal for their men... hahahaha I felt pleased :)

My bad!

2007-07-17T12:13:00.000+02:00

Oh damn last post was a hoax :)
Hahahahahaha and I fell for it.....
My compliments to Rudy!

Don't mess with the LEGO!

2007-07-17T11:46:00.000+02:00

Okay... now they've done it! The war is on!

This is a site where true christians can help to keep the internet clean and in line with God's word.

Then WHY.... I ask WHY??? would anyone ban LEGO?

It's alright to be shortsighted, narrowminded and whatever... but there is no way on earth I could ban lego.com for showing and I quote:
* Hateful material
* Blasphemy
* Offensive political material
* Bestiality and/or interracial relationships

Therefore the following warning has been posted:
" Be cautioned! This website contains strongly offensive material and is not suitable for young children."

The only reason to keep lego away from young children is because they could suffocate in the tiny peaces. But keeping Lego away from children will seriously result in STUPID children!

There.. I said it...

White collar men

2007-07-16T22:47:00.000+02:00

Today when I was doing my grocery shopping, I saw a group of white collared men.
It looked like the guys on the bank had their annual day off, to do something nice together.. for bonding purposes or whatever.

It was nothing like that at all. I did not know why there were so many of them, but it all appeared to be product placement. And not like stategic product placement in a soap (wow.. i am soo thirsty, oh this seems nice.. and oh it is nice... how's your love life etc etc) It was product placement as it was one meant to be.

Somehow the grocery store had a new line of I think it was pasta salad or coleslaw something like that. It had a bright red cap on top. And all these white collared men where looking at the empty shelves.

And it takes about 12 men to decide wheter the coleslaw should go left or right from the pasta salad.

As if one of those men would ever do the groceries ..... For a moment I wanted to step up and offer my kind advice... (get rid of that bright red cap.... it looks artificial and groce) but it didn't seem appropriate. It was their celebration day.. who am I to ruin it with the truth?

Henry Rollins

2007-07-14T02:33:00.000+02:00

Hahaha I thought this video was hilarious.

It's Henry Rollins on dating. Never knew the guy was so extremely funny. I Just knew he was mental as hell and from what I had read in his diary (I do not remember the title) he was on the edge of a total meltdown. And not a regular meltdown more like a nuclear meltdown. The guy used to be very fucked up.
But this... I just loved it... It is almost as if he is normal en regular and well educated and smart. Just watch it.

Do not like

2007-06-25T14:11:00.000+02:00

Well I appears I do not have to graduate before the first of September. I can be before the first of October...
Due to holiday season, tutors living in a cabin in a forrest where one could only reach them by mail.. regular mail.. with stamps and mailmen that is... and bureaucratic procedures (everything must be 3 weeks in advance....) September would have been very very difficult. Ofcourse if my tutor would want it enough, there would always have been possibilities... but today I heard he was disappointed in me and thought I could have done better...
So that explains the feeling I always get when I leave there...
I think now I officially hate him...for making me feel so completely useless, stupid and for making me feel he could have used his time better.
I have only hated two people before in my life, and they had serious mental problems.
I wonder what his excuse is.

Is this me?

2007-06-19T11:39:00.000+02:00

Hahahahaha... well... I have got about a week and a half to finish my thesis...
Or at least try my fucking hardest to do so.
So what did I do? I ordered a fly lady calendar, 2 feather dusters and some I am proud of you pencils. I think they will come in when my biggest stress is gone, so there is some true reward, at least I hope so.
It made me smile everytime I open my mail and see they are shipping my order.
So for now I am a very happy stressed out person...

I am still weirded out by the fact a stupid calendar, some dusters and pencils are making my day(s). What about buying clothes or candy or girly girl stuff... OR EVEN BOOKS..... I must be ill.

In doubt

2007-06-17T23:53:00.000+02:00

There were a couple of things I never doubted about myself. I never doubted I was smart, I could analyse and I could write.
Needless to say my graduation professor has made me feel so incredibly stupid I feel I cannot do any of those things anymore.
I do not know how he does it, but man.. do I never want to see him again.
Unfortunately tomorrow I have another appointment.
I handed in half a paper, for something I know I could have done when my selfesteem wasn't sub zero. But now... I think I am just waiting for him to burn it down.
And that is not something I am looking forward to.

Searching

2007-05-31T20:24:00.000+02:00

Today I saw a guy walking, clearly looking for a place to live.
How do you recognize them? Well they carry a piece of paper with the empty rooms on them, often surrounded by one or two parents and with a look on their face that is a mixture of tension and excitement. Some part of me wanted to tell him, his chances would greatly increase if he wouldn't bring his dad to the conversations you get when searching for a room in a group. I didn't tell him, because I figured it would not be good for his confidence, when a total stranger could identity him as a newbie.
I know how he feels though. I have been waiting for a phone call since I sent in my job application. Today I called them, since it has been about a week and a half since they would call me. They told me some delay had occurred, but don't worry, this week they will call. Well, they have got one day left. I am soooo curious if they think I am suited for the traineeship. And if not.. then WHY??? At least I think I am suited :)
But on the other hand... I am sitting in the library right now, and it has been greatly improved since last autumn. And some part of me just want to continue studying. I just want to know more. Maybe I will try to do a pre master in psychology, at least if I don't get the job. Or if I like it, I might do it on the side. Well, we'll see.

Geocaching and bats

2007-05-28T01:20:00.000+02:00

Today we did a geo chaching walk. It was great fun. You take a gps device and download a walk wherever you want from geocaching.com and just walk. At the end, you get to a cache which is buried. You dig it up and trade one of the things which are inside for something you've brought. It's just a children's treasure hunt for grownups.
A great thing about it was we walked the forest in which I always walk but this time, something else was planning the route. Therefore you walk paths you have never walked before.. (since humans are animals of habit :)) It made it great fun and a beautiful walk.
My other encounter with nature was something my dad was very thrilled about.
I have about 65 bats in a hole in my wall. At first I was a little afraid, but we found a website on which they explained there was nothing to be afraid of. They are harmless.
They said if you were scared at first, just start counting them. I did and I found 65. Today I did it again, because somehow I got attached... :)
There were only 35... strange.... we thought they were playing poker or maybe had a hangover or something. Or there had been a mayor bat massacre in the forest last time they flew. So the web site was right. I truly care about my bats now :) All 35 (or 65) of them :)

Discovery Channel

2007-05-23T11:54:00.000+02:00

The last couple of days I felt like I was present at a Discovery Channel program.
Something like mega machines or huge constructions or something.
We were building a bridge across a road for a festival. It ruled!
Worked there for 3 days, kinda primitive (one dixie, slept on the floor) but somehow the vibe was there :)
It is really great to see a huge ass crane lifting first its own contra weight and then the separated parts of the bridge way up in the air. And it's the coolest thing to see it fits together perfectly. I think the mechanical engineer inside me was pretty pleased. A little sore and a little tired, but pretty pleased. A big thank you for all the people involved because I think I liked all of you :)
I'll try to post some pictures we took during the event later.

Fighting with the elderly

2007-05-11T13:37:00.000+02:00

Yesterday doing groceries did not go as usual. I could not persuade my neighbours into coming with me (one didn't need anything, the other wasn't dressed yet... don't ask)
so I went alone. While riding my bike someone almost drove me of the road. A car came heading straight for me cutting a corner and making me stand in the grass while he hit the curves. I was a little shaky but well. I continued.
In the store there was an elderly man, who I had already nodded at friendly at one time. Next time I was in his way, so I stepped back so he could pass. I looked at him again. Then he looked at me and said: Wanna fight. And did not smile or anything. So I thought he meant it. Somehow it scared me, and I continued doing groceries way faster then normal thereby forgetting all my stuff. But that old guy really scared me.
Outside a mentally challenged person flirted with me, but that was not weird. That happens all the time...
So my neighbour decided I should go by myself more often... "at least that way you come back with stories" or the less flattering: "These things always happen to you you know, normal people just don't have these kind of encounters."

I have put some serious thought into it....

2007-05-08T20:14:00.000+02:00

I scared me.
I just had a sincere thought that was going like this:

" But back then... it was like... so much easier... you could just like.. do things you know... like... it's not like.. well you know.. like usual...
No man.. I am serious... It ain't like the old days you know..."

I actually heard myself thinking it... I am not stoned. I just finished reading 50 pages of hardcore philosophy, did my power Yoga, tried to save dinner and then ...
what do you get.... My brain thinking as if I am a 16 year old American girl.
It just made no sense, what I was thinking. I was trying to formulate some sort of point to get across. But it just stopped halfway through thinking....

Well, now I can honestly say: I told the voices in my head to shut up.
(or at least until they come up with a decent thought)

Vince, Foppy and Bumbly....

2007-04-24T00:33:00.000+02:00

What are you doing? I especially liked the bunny with the mask and the turtle with a tool. But they have got more very funny comics. Just click around till you find the loch ness monster... that one is pretty brilliant as well.

And this one has been going around the internet for a while and I have found reactions to it being pretty widespread. But for me I laughed and I laughed and I laughed until I cried...
My boyfriend even came out of bed to see what was so funny.
It would be honest to say I liked Johnny Cash's way better then NIN's, but maybe this one was the best.

Setting the inner nerd free

2007-04-24T00:17:00.000+02:00

Since I am trying really hard not to act as a girly girl and since I am definitely NOT going to get married in the next couple of years... a wedding band post...
Sorry.. But I think I have found mine... It's called Binary
and you can have it engraved with your own personal message in binary code.
They make these rings of recycled gold and I thought it was a good idea.
I know it is ridiculously expensive.. (at least for now) but as my boyfriend always says: Oh I know your taste...Of all things, just get the most expensive...
So here I am... wedding bands... Or as my best friend (girl) would say: "No.... you are a girl... you read girl magazines...' with utter disgust dripping from her voice :)

Beperkt Houdbaar (Best before...)

2007-04-21T00:42:00.000+02:00

This evening I watched the documentary "Beperkt Houdbaar".
It's about how women tend to look at themselves and compares themselves to the images they see in beauty magazines and on billboards.
I know we photoshop the hell out of every feminine image we get to see.
I know there are no woman out there, who could possibly look like these images.
But growing up amongst guys, and especially the last couple of years on a campus dominated by men... I am wondering... do these guys know that?
One sentence in the docu struck me, I do not know the exact phrases, but it was something about people looking with their hearts, in stead of looking with their beauty measuring tools. I felt glad I was surrounded by so many people who where looking at me with their hearts. But then I started thinking, part of being an accepted woman in a group of men is being able to judge other women by the beauty measuring tools. (Look at her... oh yeah thanks, I nearly missed her..)
So now I do feel weird, for being the only girl in a group being looked at with a heart.. and I feel guilty for judging, where I should be the one to know why you shouldn't.

Nice

2007-04-19T15:55:00.000+02:00

Yesterday when I was all upset because of my tutors, graduating and everything I once again learned the value of good neighbours.
I had a running gag with my nextdoor neighbour, that when I would finish my chapter, I would get an ice cream. For motivation purposes it seemed to work pretty well. After being offered an ice cream, I worked hard and I was two hours work away from finishing Second day, didn't finish it. Third day.. didn't finish it either etc etc.. So after two weeks, I finally had finished working on it, so I asked him....well.... do I get my ice cream now..? Well no... of course not.... after two weeks.. you thought there were any left...? Well.. ok... no ice cream....
Yesterday when I had to rewrite my chapter (which I thought was really good for a change...) because my tutor didn't understand what I was saying (maybe you should be more involved, and maybe a little technical knowledge would hurt you.... oh no, let's not make this personal....)my other neighbour offered me an ice cream...
Well it's for motivational purposes, and since our other neigbours isn't here to motivate you I guess someone has got to do the job.... I thought it was sweet... Very sweet... I felt truely taken care of.

Not important enough

2007-04-18T10:34:00.000+02:00

Somehow it is hard to imagine the distractedness of philosophers....
Today is the second day in a row I have an appointment with one of my mentors for my graduation thesis....
And it's the second day in row, I am waiting for them to show up....
Because apparently.. They keep on planning meetings at the same time we have an appointment....
Two days in a row...
Yesterday when I finally met with my tutor he tried to blame it on me...
So then I was stunned.....
Today there is some kind of emergency meeting with some important people...
I am definitely not important enough....

Hear this!

2007-04-16T00:45:00.000+02:00

Well. Ever since I started this blog I keep forgetting things I want to post here.
So now before I forget it again, I want to give a big shout out to Jonathan Coulton.
He did a song a week project a while ago, and his songs are brilliant.
Go to the songs part of the site. If you want to be a dogooder, buy the entire cd...
And listen to: well.... if you like or dislike... Ikea
if you're a big fan of christmas: Chiron Beta Prima
DNA has been my alltime favorite. And well just go and listen to it and be sure to read the lyrics that come with it.
Well. I finally posted here something after I had forgotten it soooo many times....
Oh and one other thing... I ordered the gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster... but you can check that out for yourself... ( I think I already posted the correlation between pirates and global warming here once....) Am I now a real Pastafarian?

Terrorists

2007-04-14T23:59:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I saw a little item about Larry King. Well these items have been all around, so nothing new there. But what fascinated me was a tidbit with Nelson Mandela.
Larry asked Nelson: Have you been a terrorist?
Where Nelson replied: Well, being considered a terrorist depends on.....
Where Larry finished the sentence: On who's winning.

And there it was... so much truth in the words of what has been considered a great tv personality and what has been considered a freedom fighter.
I think there you have our war on terrorism... it all depends on who's winning and who is broadcasting it.

Feel good

2007-04-09T02:08:00.000+02:00

Today was feel good day. (well, after my hangover disappeared at 6 p.m.)
I had finally talked one of my neighbors into having dinner with me. My boyfriend is out of town, and I do not like cooking for me alone. I cooked actually pretty good food. It was really easy but good. Afterwards we went for a walk towards the Easter Fires. It a tradition in the part of The Netherlands where I live, to lite huge fires on the first day of Easter to get rid of the bad spirits.
It reminded me of when I was little. And it was like nothing had changed. I am still really intrigued by this huge pile of wood, burning. And the sensation of standing so close to the fire and getting your face all warm and glowing.
Back at home I baked a cake for tomorrow, to eat with my family. It was a welsh something something cake. I took the recipe from a book about spices, so I actually put a lot of spices and flavors in it. And Oh-My-God. This was the best cake ever.....
I decided to make some chocolate milk to go with it. Made with real dark chocolate, milk, cinnamon and a little bit of sugar. Well that must have been the culinary high point of the evening. Wow this taste is so intense and full. It just makes you all slow and happy and extremely satisfied.
I think I will take my slow, happy and satisfied me to bed now... mmmmm.....

Things I will give my self if I graduate.

2007-04-07T17:14:00.000+02:00

I keep on thinking about all the nice stuff I will by myself when I graduate.
Or, I am postponing buying extraordinary expensive things for me.
First I think I will by myself about victoria's secret underwear. And not the extremely fancy stuff. but the 5 for 25 dollar strings. I bought some when I did my internship in 2004 in Tucson. And have been loving those damn things ever since then. Too bad they do not have VS stores in the Netherlands.. So I would have to order them online and for the shipping costs, I could have bought another 5 thongs... so... that's why I make it a present for me...
Next thing I will buy myself some of the best chocolate on earth there is. I know there are a couple of very good brands they sell online. But it's really expensive. So I will only buy it when I really deserve it, graduation that is...
I think I would order myself some of the Flylady stuff that's online. I know... (for those of you who don't know flylady... it's a cleaning and getting organized program online flylady.net)
I am a little weird buying cleaning stuff online, (dusters... :o) and their new calendar and the I am proud of you pencils. But for some reason I believe I deserve them. I have been kind a good for a while now cleaning and being organized :) And I believe these things will only make it easier.
And last but not least... ( I probably just do not have the money for this one, so I will put it off until I get my first real paycheck.. or my sixth... or well it's expensive)
I would like the Nikon D80.... I started taking up photography since a month or so... borrowing the D50 my neighbor owns... and I would like to have my own one...
For some reason I feel materialistic and stuff but I thought about it for a while. I think I only buy things that make me happy in the long run. (Well chocolate.... ehm.... let's consider it developing my taste buds :) but underwear has served me for 3 years, it's still good and oh my god... it still makes me happy)
And I know I would really love to have these things.... I also know that after graduating there probably isn't a penny left in my bank account :) So I guess I will keep postponing it and longing for the day I will order these things... and in the mean time just happily looking forward to it....

Birds

2007-03-30T14:14:00.000+02:00

Today I did laundry. I know I know... You can stop applauding now....
Except I might never do this again.
My boyfriend has a great habit of putting his dirty rugby clothes on my balcony.
I say great because there they can dry in the sun so they don't smell (at least not IN my house).
So yeah.. eh great. Today I was working on my 15 minutes of house cleaning, which was really necessary since I had been ill for 4 days and the house was a mess.
And when to choose between doing 4 days of dishes and taking the rugby clothing to the washing machine, I'll do the washing :)
I grabbed a bag put the clothes in and walked to the washing machine. I grabbed the clothes pushed them in the machine and then heard a squeak.
I froze. It was either a mouse or a bird... Well don't be silly... It isn't... just go on.....
got on and then another squeak... I gently asked my neighbor, who is very well acquainted with all my irrational fears to help me. "Eeh... I think there might be a little bird in the washing machine.. and I am scared...." He then started taking the clothes out of the machine and another squeak..... Yep that's a bird...
At that point I fled to my room and didn't dare to look any more.
And then I heard a voice: But then again..... and he pushed the filling part back and forth...
I think those are the bouncy parts in you machine.... No bird at all....
Best relieve ever :)

I ate the beach

2007-03-14T14:13:00.000+01:00

Well yesterday was nice. It better had to be!
Worked for 4 days at some big hotshot's birthday party and my god was it hard.
We worked more or less 14 hours a day, didn't get payed enough, some people were really annoying and there was only one day of easy beer drinking afterwards.
So as a rewards our crew decided tot treat ourselves to some good for, in exchange for the long hours we made.
If you haven't got a special bite ( a dinner guide) better get one. The small restaurant where we sat down was the only one in Apeldoorn ( a town we got into, not to get stuck in traffic) where they recommended the food. And boy was it good.
It was such a relief to be able to sit down, drink wine, eat bouillabaisse and grand dessert and just be relaxed for a change. My bouillabaisse had all kinds of seafood on it, which I didn't know but most of the time just found on the beach, the selves that is :)
For those of you familiar with the dutch terms: kokkels and scheermesjes.
So it felt like I had eaten the entire beach. And it was great. Afterwards there was a lovely grand dessert and espresso. And the bill will be send to someone else :)
For them it is such a small amount, for me it made all the difference in the world.

Hi dad!

2007-03-14T14:08:00.000+01:00

And this one is for my dad, who has just discovered I had a blog.... :)
Hi Dad! Welcome.
It is not like I write something here everyday, but just now and then....
It's more for writing then for reading. but hey, If you want to.. go ahead.

Cheers!

Environment friendly

2007-02-13T01:34:00.000+01:00

I think I have been a blessing to the environment. Or at least i am going to be.
My Ipod died and since I do not have any money to get it fixed I won't be using up that energy.
Now i have to start singing to myself, so I consider it environment friendly, but I do not know if my environment thinks the same :)
Next thing is I always learned you should get your food from as nearby as possible, not to waste the energy on transportation of food, that could have been even better from your local farmer.
Therefore my new neighbor and I made a deal. All the vegetables I don't like from my biological vegetable subscription I get every week, he will get in exchange of bread, he will make with his home bread making machine. I think this is environment friendly, but since it takes the machine 4 hours to make the bread, I do not know if the environment thinks the same :)
And I ask my neighbors if they have any woolen sweaters I can wash with mine, so I don't waste a perfectly good washing cycle on one sweater. I am sure the environment loves this, but now my neighbors look at me like I am the crazy one :) or well.. the women on the block.....
In general I think environment might be as pleased with me as I am with it.
I like it here.

Funny baby

2007-02-08T21:17:00.000+01:00

this is a very funny flash drawing program and I made this:

hope it works :)

Fingers and cars

2007-01-25T21:54:00.000+01:00

Well yesterday I learned you should keep your fingers away from car doors. Especially when someone with good intentions is sitting inside and closies the door, my fingers included.
It hurts like hell. So down to the doctor it was, in the mean while keeping my fingers cold with frozen fries. According to the doctor my nails could fall off or the skin might tear because the swelling got too big. I think that was enough guild for the boy who did it.
Well neither of those things happened. I couldn't go to work today, but that was all.
My co-workers called where I was and I explained. All I got from it are two tiny holes in my nails where the doctor poured out the blood to relieve the pressure, and two ink colored fingers.
Well I can live with that :)

Philosophy

2007-01-17T12:23:00.000+01:00

Philosophy will always be a part of science of which the philosophers will always be afraid they will be recognized as frauds. At least I am.
For me it is completely imaginable that during my graduation I will fail at what I am doing and people will recognize I haven't got the slightest idea of what it is I claim to know.
Instead of this driving me to work incredibly hard, it paralizes me and I feel like a headless chicken. Maybe I am a perfectionist, but it is hard to deliver when you don't know what to deliver.
I will never ever graduate in philosophy again, I guess hell couldn't be any worse.

Freak made it my problem

2006-12-13T11:53:00.000+01:00

Yesterday my next door neighbour stood naked in front of my door and screamed fuck me fuck me fuck me at me. I screamed a little, slammed the door in his face and stood their terrified and trembling.
I felt really save in my house. I really did. But now it appears I live next to a freak.
My other neighbour knows him a little bit better then I do and he appears to have a lot of problems. So I feel for him. It ain't easy.
I am really worrying whether I should get a police record of this. I want to, because I feel offended and I am scared. I do not want him to turn into a stalker.
But for some reason I feel a little bit akward sending the police to him.
On the other hand I do not know if he is still alive, cause I do not hear a sound and I started feeding his cat.
I do not like this freakshow. My own freakshow has been enough for ages now, so I do not need another one.

Someone stripped the world

2006-12-10T02:33:00.000+01:00

Today felt like the world was stripped from her usual things.
I went to a friend because he had finally agreed to let me cook with him.
We went to the fish market and normally on a Saturday it is full and crowded and loud.
Today it was almost silent. It was just beautiful.
The sky was not a normal color, but some orange creamy color. I think now I can say it was a creme brulee color.
(which I had made for dinner... No I am not an expert in deserts although the cook did seem to think so, because all he sees me eat are sweet chocolate thingies.)
(But may I add to this it turned out to be a great creme brulee, at least in my world :))
The meal itself was great. I wanted to help but I am definitely no expert on Japanese food cutting thingies.
The funny thing was the entire meal tasted like the fish market earlier that day. Pure, silent and known but somehow completely different. Stripped for all the things I normally taste. But somehow the stripped version of the experience is better that the original experience.

It is just tranquil, simple and perfect.

Cooking

2006-12-06T11:49:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was cooking for my family. It was great fun.
I always like the part when they take the first bite and all you get are hmmm.... that's good.
I am just not really good at the display section.
I just throw everybody's part on their dishes and serve them.
Thank god these people are my family and they do not care at all.
Or at least they didn't mention it.
And I think I should have known better then sending my boyfriend out for something non alcoholical to drink for them.

Most important news

2006-11-16T12:54:00.000+01:00

I have been going over this for a week now. On my birthday two things were important newswise..
Rumsfeld declining and the Britney Spears' divorce. For the last week I guess I have been reading more about the divorce then about american domestic politics. Somehow I feel superficial and not very interested. But on the other hand it feels like the world is with me on these topics...
Well maybe it just was a good week for finally getting rid of some of the most annoying guys in the world. No matter what influence they had on who.

Business Course

2006-11-13T12:34:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I am going to attend a business course at TNO. And I am worried for days now.
It's on the ICT department and today I found out what I have suspected for a long time now... I do not know anything anymore about ICT. Used to study computer science 7 years ago so my knowledge is somewhat old... somewhat? Very very old....
I looked at the website today and I freaked out. It's an entire day talking and working on a business case, with the matching technology, management processes and user interfaces.
All I can do are the user interfaces. I have got no clue about business cases, management processes or whatever. So I guess I am gonna play the part of consciousness.
Would it be alright if we...? Can we...? I do not think anybody would like that, do you?
Maybe I'll be chairman and pick my battles and make decisions... and keep my ass away from any technology part whatsoever.

My main solution for now is: Go shopping... :)
I do not have any decent clothes anymore... (no I know I am a girl and every girl says so... But I have been a student over 9 years.. and working in a dirty job.. so there was no money nor cleanliness for new clothes) and I guess making a great first impression is all I can do.
Somehow I feel that wearing my fleece blanket, wrapped around me as a superman cape, which I have been doing for the last two days now, won't do the trick... bullocks....

Wake up!

2006-11-05T22:26:00.000+01:00

Today it struck me while looking at my honey jar. We are destroying the earth.
We have already went so far from natural to artificial. I was wondering whether my vanilla honey would actually taste like vanilla with only one vanilla stick in it. Of course not, they have put extra essences in there. And if we can not even trust honey..

I was happy because it would be like 15 degrees C on my birthday. In the same state of mind I thought it was horrible. My birthday is supposed to be cold and grey an rainy. And if you are really really lucky at little snowy. But now I could walk in shorts... I always explained to people my birthday was the week when the leaves would fall from the trees. Well there are still leaves there and they are green. It just not feels right.
I truly start to worry.

Soccer

2006-10-29T14:41:00.000+01:00

At this moment, I am trying to write a chapter of my graduation thesis.
At this same moment an entire stadium of soccer enthusiasts are shouting their team to victory... it's at most 1 km from where I am trying to work.
I checked. Shouting started at 1430.. Game started at 1430.
I so wish I could trade places with the mindless shouting socces fans...
I think they have as much intelligent things to say about technocracy as I have at this moment.

Mediocre

2006-10-26T12:13:00.000+02:00

I think the most difficult thing about graduating is that I feel it isn't good enough.
I feel what I am writing is mediocre. And for some reason I just do not see how I can improve what I am doing. So I just crawl forward. So there is no improvement, no learning proces, no bars to hold on as a guideline. I think that is what's bothering me the most. The hopelessness of it al.
It leads to nowhere. And it's mediocre.....

Beauty

2006-10-08T23:04:00.000+02:00

I found this one on a calender at my aunt and uncle's house:

Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.

It was the only reason why I would ever consider getting married.
It's beautiful.

Just plain fun

2006-10-08T22:42:00.000+02:00

In this post I would really like to thank some guys for making me laugh out loud.
Friday I worked with a guy and he had me speechless for some time.
I am speechless a lot these days, but most of the time it is because I am shocked because what people say is offensive or rude or sexist or just plain stupid.
That day I was speechless because of the sheer humor of his remarks. He told me I wanted to stare at his butt. Then he wanted to stare at mine. When I asked him to walk with me, because I needed something, he grabbed my hand and we started hopping around the place.
It was just sheer fun from someone I did not expect it from.
Today I got a text message from a guy with who I worked with about 2 months ago.
We had a meal with a starters buffet, a diner buffet and during diner we looked at each other... will there be a dessert duffet? We raced each other to get inside and there was a truly divine dessert buffet. We had dessert twice and it was well.... divine. After all the work was done, he handed me over some pictures and we merely never spoke again.
Until today I got a message saying: this was a great dessert buffet, I went 3 times and I am completely stuffed.
I laughed out loud, thinking it is a nice way to be remembered...
The one who I can always talk to about desserts :)
I just wanted to thank the guys for making me laugh when I am completely stressed out.

More or less

2006-10-02T16:45:00.000+02:00

Today was well..
I did some studying. Actually I have done more then last three days, but somehow because I didn't finish it, I felt stupid.
Then I went on to look for jobs as a motivator for actually finishing my thesis.
I did a test to see if I was a BestGraduate. And I am not...
Felt stupid. Since there were so many things I answered with yes, I thought I was pretty good.
But apparently you can only become a Bestgraduate if your delay in studying is less then 2 years.
And ehm... No it isn't. But I have done so many other things. And I am still not good enough?
Pfff. There it was... the end of motivation for today.
Looked for other jobs at the only company I would maybe want to work for.
And oh my god did it look boring. So I guess I'll go home. Have some sleep and dinner.
And tomorrow I will see again...
and again... and again...

Perfect quote

2006-09-28T13:40:00.000+02:00

I read this quote today. It was in a small news reply about managers, politics and more wannabees.

"To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
To summarize the summary: anyone capable of getting themselves made President should by no means be allowed to do the job.
To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem."

It is by Douglas Adams... ofcourse....

Have to finish my chapter today and tomorrow on computer and their influence on politics and privacy issues in the 1980's. (It feels like working in a niche yeah...)
And actually I was suprised how "anti- technology" some people could be. Especially when they do not know a thing about technology and databases in particular.
People who do know a great deal about it, do not fear the technology but the people around it. And not the technicians but the politicians... who do not know a thing about technology.
And actually.... I think they are right... Politicians should be feared.
Maybe I have been working on this technocracy thing too long...
Power is a nice thing.... but not combined with people...

Cold turkey

2006-09-21T15:15:00.000+02:00

Well today is my third day without sugar. At least, in which I am trying to get through the day without sugar. I was getting pretty overweight and found myself eating at least a pack of cookies or candy a day. And that is at least. So I cut sugar (cookies, candy, icecream) from my diet. (snif snif, goodbye sugar....)
Yesterday I already cheated. We had brownies for dessert. But I thought it would be oke to have a nice dessert. Today I feel like I can faint any minute. I do not know if it is because of lack of sugar, lack of caffeine (only had decaf for two days, ran out of regular) or dehydration of the day before.
I just realise how unhealthy I am. Or was... till three days ago :)
I started running sunday, so that was good. But that feels so much easier then breaking my food habbits. Well at least I am cleaning up my act (dieting, exercising, studying) so that is good.
For now I just feel like I have a pretty good excuse to stay in bed and write my thesis from here on my laptop :) Feeling better already :)

Running

2006-09-17T22:38:00.000+02:00

I started a running schedule. Actually I started it last week, but I already lost any kind of motivation I had during the week. I think it was mainly because I started running like an idiot.
Well... my kind of idiot.... 5 times 2 minute runs, with 2 minutes walking in between. I thought I would do well, but I tried too hard. I can run, but not really fast, so when I did the 2 minutes I ran my ass off.....
Well at least enough to make me pretty miserable by the time I was at three.
So today I started on another schedule. Less ambitious.. far less ambitious.
I started with 8 times 1 minute with a 1 minute walk in between. At six I hated myself but afterwards it felt rewarding. Along with the housekeeping and the cooking I did, it was the most usefull sunday I had in a long time.
I am really wondering if I will stick to the schedule. I already bought new running shoes for motivation. They are great, nice and bouncy. I think I will be the weakest link in this running trip.
I will try not to be.

Cheating

2006-09-17T01:23:00.000+02:00

Last night I dreamed I cheated on my boyfriend. I kissed with some guy, and a lot of people had noticed and told me...
I think I had the dream just before 8 a.m. And I woke up at 1 p.m. still felling guilty about it.
It was one of those continous dreams where you wake up, fall asleep again and the dream continues. Well it continued with me felling guilty guilty guilty.. as hell....
I could never cheat on him and tell him or not tell him. Of that I was sure when I finally woke up.
Now I am just dissapointed I went through all this guilt without even having any kind of pleasure.
At least when you cheat, it must have been nice... But all this was in a dream... only the guilt was real...

Earrings

2006-08-20T04:32:00.000+02:00

Yesterday and today I wore earrings to work. Normally I do not do that, because it is just not suitable, but these days i have a desk job. My co workers, merely man, didn't notice.
I met on of the girls while I was wondering around the grounds with a co worker, and she started shouting, more or less: ooh you really look different it suits you very well etc etc...
My co worker looked at me and frowned.
Back at the compound another guy said to me, there is something sexy about you, is it your hair?
My co worker answered for me: no silly it's the earrings, didn't you notice?
Today he said to me: I had to explain it once again to someone... she looks different.... it's the earrings....
I asked him: You hadn't noticed them in the first place had you?
He shook his head and laughed: No, could you tell?

Rolling Stones

2006-08-01T22:17:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I went to see the Rolling Stones. It was great. It was horrible how I got the tickets.. I hate work politics... but anyhow I just needed to go.
And I went. And it was great. they started of with a couple of the now so known songs. And it was a little "when will the real thing start". It started when it got dark.
The lights went on, the show kicked off and the music was rockin'.
Keith Richards promised to stay away from the trees. Sang two songs.. I think it was a good thing he had a background singer... But it was great.
They had a small stage that moved from the central stage to a small B stage in the middle of the stadium. That was awsome. I think the best proof was the guy next to me who actually wanted to go to sleep but in the end he was actually applauding.
I think this was one of the best shows I have ever seen, because now, due to my work and all the technical knowledge I gained doing these shows, I can actually appreciate a good technical show.
And it was. It was good, it was great, it was shock and awe.

2 Cents on the world.

2006-07-23T19:29:00.000+02:00

I guess this picture says it all.
Or at least how power is divided....

And it tells us a lot on how to manipulate opinions with well chosen infographics.

wwwww

2006-07-18T01:33:00.000+02:00

Was surfing the wonderful wonderful world wide web. And I found a site completely dedicated to the FSM. The Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's and anti creationism site. Since.... if we could we have been created by a God.... why not by a FSM. You can find the site here:
But i thought the most stunning piece of evidence they had was this delicious little piece of statistic:

And why shouldn't it be convincing....

Vewy vewy cute

2006-07-17T23:35:00.000+02:00

Just because I thought this was the nicest picture ever...

Lemon Spaghetti

2006-07-13T19:09:00.000+02:00

I found a recipe for lemon spaghetti. It looked alright. But I do not have a clue of how it will taste.
Last time I made some sort of pasta, with some fresh pasta from the grocery store it turned out to be horrible. So now I am actually postphoning going to the stores to pick up the necessary ingredients. I guess I will be in a hury in about 40 minutes... but for now... because I am just not sure... I am still not going...
Furthermore I discovered that being a woman isn't all bad, except when you want to get beer.
They sell them 24 bottles at a time in a crate( is that the right word?). And for some reason I am just pure danger with that thing on my bike back home...
So I guess I need a man to do that for me... I felt pretty independed till now...

Nightmare

2006-07-13T15:02:00.000+02:00

This night I woke up scared to death. I had a nightmare like I haven't had them since I was a child.
I was in a car and a dead body, some dangerous criminal fell on me. After I had gotten out of the car I was attacked by a woman who wanted to stay here, but was afraid someone might hurt her children, so she almost strangled me. I can still see her face.
I lay awake for almost an hour and heard the rooster anouncing a new day.
Haven't heard that in years. It was a weird night. I guess it might have been the stress and the subconscious worrying about Oscar. He was hit by a car while being on a bicycle vacation on his own in Luxembourg. So we went to get him the day before. And although he was alright, just a scratch, it was still weird.
For the better. We had a small campfire on my balcony and it was really nice... and.... we went running... and I can run for a little over a mile. I have never ever done that :D

Devil's sunglasses

2006-07-07T16:06:00.000+02:00

I bought a new pair of sunglasses. Ofcourse I had lost my other pair somewhere, but I almost had them for a year.. so I guess that gives them the right to disappear. I liked them though, I called them my porn glasses. Just because they actually looked that way.
For now I have bought a new pair which is almost as cool as the other one.
It has got flames on the side. I am a true sucker for flames.
And it has got a little skull on each site. Like that as well. But the flames did the selling for me.
Today I saw them lying around in my kitchen and I noticed the designers really had made a point for designing "bad sunglasses". Aside from the skull, the flames and the really black glasses....
They is a little 666 engraved in it. Guess the devil has lost his pair as well....

Recognition

2006-07-06T21:23:00.000+02:00

A couple of people think I am somehow involved with a friend of mine.
I am not. I still love my boyfriend very much. So sometimes it get's a little bit anoying, when another ignorant bleep comes around saying: Oh I thought you were his girlfriend... Well I am not!
This time it was a person I may have seen one time before... and I was too flabbergasted to give him a witty answer. In stead I send my friend over, a couple of days later, to ask why he thought we were involved. The ignorant guy didn't really know, but the person next to him did:
Well because you're both crazy as a doorknob.
I think that is finally the recognition I deserve :D

Lovely trailer

2006-07-05T01:33:00.000+02:00

Today was a very gender mixed day. I got very irrational during the entire day, because I was soo tired. And hung over... especially the last. But then again I helped getting a washing machine up the stairs (3!!). Well I did not lift it up the stairs, But I did have it in my hands and lifted it and moved it around. I was even complimented with the strength in my hands.
I bought a girly magazine and enjoyed almost every letter of it... while watching with half an eye the soccer match between Germany and Italy. I listened to it and watched all the exiting moments. And then I got moved again by all the crying Germans. I have never seen Germans cry.... A real lump in my throat.
It reminded me of the English guys I have worked with yesterday at the UB40 concert.
"I have a german friend. He actually has a sense of humor, so we call him the anti-german".
And I loved the word "lovely" he used whenever we had another stack of flightcases in the trailer. I had never heard the word lovely and trailer in one sentence before.
So I guess everybody was a bit mixed up today and last night. I just hope i do not wake up tomorrow morning a girly girl... I kinda like the mixed...

Away

2006-07-02T17:15:00.000+02:00

My boyfriend is going away for two and a half weeks. He is going on a cycling vacation all by himself. That's fine with me. I would have wanted to go along, but with my back hurting, it did not seem as a brilliant plan. But I am going to miss him so much. I am always scared things are gonna happen. But now it is soo much worse. I know I am blowing this way out of proportion, but him all alone in some foreign country.... It does not seem as the best idea to me.
Some friends say there is nothing to worry about, some friends understand me being scared.
Fortunately I am going working tonight. I will see him tomorrow morning before he leaves.
And I hope I will be soo tired I can easily sleep after that.
I don't know. I just love him so much.

Butterfly

2006-07-01T13:13:00.000+02:00

A couple days ago I ran into a butterfly. Well not ran into but saw one on the side of the road.
I was very thrilled to see butterflies because I haven't seen them around in ages. Strangly yesterday I saw a website where you could report a butterfly spotting.
So they coud keep track of the animals living around us.
I loved the idea, I wanted to join them but then I realize I don't know anything about butterflies.
This one was a black and white one an not really large, but not really small either.
So I guess I am not of much help to the website.. bummer...

I Feel like....

2006-07-01T13:01:00.000+02:00

When I came from the physical therapist I could not do anything other then laugh.
I had told him honoustly I didn't do my exercises for two days and my back didn't hurt as much.
He looked at me very very puzzled. The he started feeling and bending all the joints in my body and said: yeah... hyper....
Since I have had a very long lasting , but strictly professional, relationship with my physical therapist, I know hyper ment.... you are way too flexible in your joints.. it's a miracle you're still in one piece... but thank god it isn't something really serious cause this thing we know how to fix it.

This therapist was a new one though, he gave me the 'oh my god, you're not normal' look as well.
But then he said. Well I guess we were on the wrong track. We mobilized you're joints, while they now are over mobilized... so that hurts.... Now we are going to stabilize them.
From mobilisation to stabilisation.
For some how I feel like the American army in Iraq.

Better

2006-06-25T16:02:00.000+02:00

How blue I was this morning.... The rain didn't come true.
The few drops on my laptops were the most I have seen so far.
But then a friend sent me some Steven Lynch.
This is pretty sick humor. Especially politically incorrect for Americans.
But it cleared my skies.
Do not listen to it if you do not have a strong sense of humor :D

Waiting for the rain

2006-06-25T14:59:00.000+02:00

Tonight I had the weirdest dream. Was at a weird party and had a lot of fun . I woke up knowing in real life this entire situation would never be possible. It made me sad. It just felt so nice.
So for now I am kinda sad. It is hot as hell and very very humid. The rain will come in tonight. I will probably be sitting on a train on my way to work at a Robbie Williams concert. I guess it will be cool. Although I am not really excited about my co workers. Most of them are older then I am. And I guess I am more used to working with younger people and being in charge now. most of then haven't worked in quite some time now and I would like if we could just keep things the way they are. Yesterday was very cool though. I had to work at some test day for an air show.
The boss had brought his dog and his son. Both of them were very very cool. I guess I played with the son, Jesse, for about the entire afternoon. I guess it was the first time I had really really played with a kid. I could not remember I actually played when I was a kid. It was fun to see his imagination, to see how many times he would repeat things and to see how everything in that more or less empty space was a thing to play with. This was the first really positive experience I had with kids. I would like them, if you could order them in this package.
Yesss! I have to go inside, cause the rain kicks in. I think I will just put my laptop inside and go outside for myself Bye!

Blessed I guess

2006-06-23T22:41:00.000+02:00

Today when I walked out of the shops with my hands and bags filled with food I realised again how blessed we are. And especially how blessed I am. For some reason everything felt good today.
The physical therapist was fun, going by at the office was fun. Handling all my shit was fun, because now it has finally been delt with. Grocery shopping was fun. Driving the hired car was especially fun. But I realised it has been a while since people had bad diseases or died.
I have a great family, a nice boyfriend and very good friends. I just feel lucky.
And as the frosting on the cake, tonight the aired Grease. I never realised how dirty some of the lyrics were, because I had only seen it without subtitles.
But let's bless this movie, because it is John Travolta's only real good movie.
Go grease lightning!

grumpy

2006-06-20T13:31:00.000+02:00

Today I am just grumpy. For some reason I always have to get used to normal life when I come back from work. For some reason there are always a million things to take care of when you return. For some reason I like it best when left alone.
Yesterday was nice. I wasn't grumpy at all and I hung out on my balcony.
But today is worse. Have to go to the tax office to take care of my rental problems. Why on earth am I having trouble with them for the last half year? If I can not even fix things, how can the less smart people around fix things?
I feel like I am going to have a cold and I have to get up at four thirty in the morning. Of course there will be no sleep. Have to fix a black pants for work and and and... I truely am grumpy.
Guess I better get it going, otherwise it will take forever. At least I do not have to get in the car and get my ass through traffic in Amsterdam tomorrow. And the person I am working for is not as childish as the last. So I guess things will be ok..... tomorrow.....

Christians

2006-06-19T14:35:00.000+02:00

I have learned a lot about christians these last couple of days. Worked for a christian youth event. And for somehow they are a little bit weird. They victimize themselves. Obviously it is very hard to be a christian these days. Or maybe they want you to believe it is. It did not seem that hard to me. Everybody was very nice, very clean, did not curse, there were so many things you could do in your own christian way. It seemed like a nice closed community where you could live your life as cut off from the world as much as you would like it. The event went very well and everybody was very pleased. To me it seemed harder to just live without a goal in the outside world where grown man can act as children as long as they want. Cursing when the christians are gone, just because now you can finally curse. Showing off how you're in charge.
Too bad I do not believe in any kind of God or spirit, because I think it would fit my naieve personality very well, this cut off world.